There was a time I would feel nauseous and light headed if someone told me I put on weight. I have broken down a several times in trial rooms. Cried and hated myself. I wouldn’t fit into a size I wished I fit into. I starved. I was never convinced no matter who told me I looked good enough. There were some others who asked if my husband had issues with me being ‘healthy’.I failed to understand why no one would ever get the point that as long as I didn’t look good enough for myself, I would never be happy. There was no one I was trying to impress, but myself.
It got to a point where if I met someone, I was always hoping in my head,”Please say I have lost weight. Please say I have lost weight.” And bam! If they hadn’t chanted that magical spell, all the magic I was putting my body through,wouldn’t work and I was back to where I started. It was a tough time. For me. And Raf. He has had to convince me, sometimes with a lot of understanding, sometimes with a lot more coaxing, somedays in temper, somedays in pamper. With each passing day and no change in the scales, I was pushing myself into a mess.
Soon, I wished more than ever to lose the fat from my head than my body. Damn it, I had forgotten to be happy. And since that day, that is what I did. Teach my head, everyday in different possible ways to stop thinking in fat. I had replaced all the happy thoughts in my life with negative body image thoughts. It had to change. Of course a lot was baby fat. That didn’t convince me enough to just let it be. Even with all the right people around me, I knew only I could take control. Because at the end of the day,all I was actually doing was playing the blame game. I was hardly making an effort to get where I wanted to.
I started working out. Eating right. Drinking lots of water. Surrounding myself with happy thoughts. Reading positive articles. And most of all,staying consistent. After my failed attempts with different crash, crazy diets, I was FINALLY losing weight, happily.
If there is something I want to remind myself everyday henceforth from this 30 year mark, is that only you obsess about your body so much. So many a times, the curves and flab that you notice exist in your body doesn’t even come across as anything to those around you. There are so many things about you that people care about, more than how you appear to them physically. Their eyes love only those their heart loves. So, if someone actually thinks you look too bad, no matter what you tried or how much you changed, their opinion would always remain at that. I remember someone once said, ” I love her not because she is beautiful. But, because I love her, she is beautiful.”
Be fit to make yourself happy. Be fit to be healthier. And this thing about “I don’t care, I will just be what I am,” without the slightest effort to pushing yourself, is an excuse. And that shouldn’t work. Make that effort for yourself. Its worth it. But don’t let that effort engulf and strip you off your happiness.